It is 4:30 am. I put a pot of coffee on as I am disturbed that the ability to control my dad at home might be at its end. Twice he has tried to get out of bed, and I am left feeling like I am somehow failing with a man that doesn’t know where he is. I had a similar feeling on Tuesday night when he was in the bathroom, and my mom and I looked at each other as if to say, “what are we going to do if he gets worse?”
Since then, dad has been bedridden, and despite amazing aides and nurses, the time he had to let go, probably was influenced by the energy of his lifelong spouse, that couldn’t let go. The line might cause some people to recoil and think I am being harsh, but I have sat here with the whole part, and everyone has said, “it is just going to get worse from here.” with dad’s yo-yo – he could go on for months at this speed.
Truthfully, I didn’t think dad would still be here, and a week ago, I changed the mindset that I would be in for the long haul, however long that would be. What I failed to consider is that he would be in such a mental and physical state that it mom and I could not take care of him.
I should record the horrific cough he is going through as his 4 am medicine feeding turned him into a place where he was moving around and trying to get out of bed. He got busted, and I am going, “I guess I have to sit in the room 24/7? While I can order the full side rails to keep him in the bed, I just need a crash course in being a nurse.
“Do you know where you are?” is not met with a correct answer.
“Do you know who I am?” still has a bunch of times where he recognizes me.
What can I say, this is just hard and sad for me. It is like fighting a battle you know you are going to lose. You know you have no choice and can’t quit.
You just have to suck it up and keep fighting to make someone’s life safe and comfortable, no matter how much they don’t want to hear, understand, or believe themselves.
I know dads wish was to die at home. At this writing, I don’t know if that wish will become a reality. He may have to go into a nursing home. The other half of the dynamic doesn’t want to hear that – much less let go.
That is the saddest 10-minute post of the past 5-6 years. It is a bit of helplessness mixed with the reality that this process could go on for a long time and it will get worse than better.