I woke this morning after sleeping for a night and felt like a train hit me. My life was on a two-hour sleep/nap cycle for the last month. It might have been four or six hours in the beginning, but as the medicine doses increased, my life was two-hour increments with various moments of passing out and sleeping.
Dad is now in a really beautiful hospice place called mercy house. It reminds me of a reverse Ronald McDonald house in that this is where the end of life people come for hospice care. What I am noticing is a shift with places volunteer. The nice and popular spots have an overload of people. I remember a home in Nashville where the lost of America went, you couldn't get anyone to go, as it was really depressing. Meanwhile, the Ronald McDonald house mystified me as I wondered why some of the volunteers where there? Corporate networking? feel-good-it is? It just was some questions I had as my life went from business dick to letting go of all the faux realities the world said was a success.
So today, while I feel bad for my father wasting away. You do have amazing moments of grace. In my frustration of forgetting gym shorts and having to do the most challenging day 5 of the 7-day cycle, I simply went to hospice and figured there had to be someplace to purchase gym shorts. I haven't been to this part of town for about 35 years.
when I got into hospice, dad was there with a cup of coffee, "can I join you."
"sure. get a cup for yourself."
Then we just sat and chatted. It was unique in that when you look at a lot of society, they have massive groups that all converge at the same time, do the same thing, and wonder why it feels busy instead of productive and meaningful.
to get that richness, you have to let go of a lot of the stuff that people believe is good, be still, and is simply be smart enough to follow the spirit versus your own wants and desires.
then you end up with some amazing moments, like this cup of coffee with my passing father.
He is now asleep and when the crowds come later today. He will be off in another place. It is a bit like funerals. They aren't for the person that passed away, but for the folks still here.
I smiled when dad asked me to come back for coffee. "this is nice."
It was beautiful. Actually, it was great. Dad knows that mom has to let go, it seems like It is two weeks overdue. It is a lesson I learned a while ago. To try to love with open hands. It is a hard one to learn, but it is probably more true love than what a lot of the world deals in more selfish love.
Soon his suffering will be over. I will smile as he gets peace, and his spirit can soar while he sheds his worn-out body.
it is cute, he is asking me to stretch and exercise him. "I don't have shit for strength!"
I am like, "dad, for being in a bed for 30 straight days, you are doing great!"