I have great respect for nurses and caregivers in hospitals. They all tend to have a mannerism or personality that I don't. Perhaps they are long on patience? More compassionate and empathetic? I don't' know. It is a bit like flight attendants all have a pleasant demeanor about them to go with what is, for the most part, profiling for attractiveness as well.
Last night simply sucked with dad. There is no way around it, he is getting worse, and the speed of it appears to be accelerating. The question is, how long? Since no one has the answers, I simply have camped in for the long haul and pray a lot.
Watching someone pass is never fun, as even with your worst enemy, you want only the best for any soul to get beyond this planet. If you are attached to someone, you have an emotional bond. Watching the man that raised you to regress back into a tiny child is a bit of an oxymoron. It is beautiful and sad at the same time. The past 10 weeks life has felt l schedule like a giant hole. Dad sort of called for a change or pause in normal life while he journeys from this world to the next.
About the only thing, I knew to do was make that passage as comfortable as possible for him. Heck, I would do that for my enemy, but I don't know if they would get hot dogs and milkshakes? Yeah, they probably would, as when you pull back from this life, you see how much more there is in the cosmos.
but watching dad last night was like watching a mental patient on too many meds, or a drunk with too many drinks that will wake up the next day, "I don't remember any of it!" with dad, it is probably true, as I think that part might be the grace of God not allowing him to remember the suffering part of his journey.
What I will confirm is dad can and is still stubborn. Mom had to threaten to call the fire department at 4 am to get him to try to move off the toilet.
it is sad to watch and observe.
It is incredible how much energy gets sucked and how easy it is to get sucked into the life of care. It makes all the reason why I exercise, meditate, pray, and brainstorm as a habit each day. I have watched some folks get lost in the journey. I am struggling on the fringe here not to get completely sucked into it.
Not sure what today or tomorrow will bring. I simply pray the suffering comes to a close sooner than later.
Dad is now sleeping like a little lamb in his bed. truth is it is a beautiful image that you can easily title, "peaceful rest in end care."
I guess that is what most of the people see in life. I will say the day to day work is a struggle and overall sucks. But there is something in one's heart that you know you won't quit and if my job is to wipe up and sling cokes and orange juice. So be it.
Sorry if this is a vent. I think mom finally cracked in realizing she has to let go. Dad only got there a week or so ago. What I don't know is how long this will take.
The other reason I go to the gym. I can pick up my large dad and move him. Mom can't. I will cry a bit and pray for the end of his suffering and then apply the clown face of happiness.
As a side note, clowns and comedians have a deep sense of humor and making others laugh and smile. I can be that clown, but I don't like it anymore. I would rather be myself.
As for last night. Wow, that really sucked as you are in a strange dimension of reality where a human mind has no clue where it is, and you are trying to talk it down into reality. i like challenges, but that was one I am ok if I never experience again.
It would also not surprise me if dad wakes up all rested and happy, smiling away, oblivious to the last 15 hours of care. Maybe I should play Ozzy instead of Andre Rieu for him on the music box? reverse psychology? or is Andre Rieu the crazy man for the older generation?