I am sitting here in a room watching my dad going through what is a new experience for me to witness. Congenital heart failure. It is very different than a cancer death and thank god for morphine-based drugs, as it doesn't look like a fun way to go out of this earth. The journey has also exposed many things, a bit like turning over the stones and exposing the raw fears of many people and just how limited and fragile we are as humans.
It has shown me how few people really ever go out of their idea that they can think they can control life? Perhaps that is where I am mistaken in that I think everyone takes themselves beyond their known limits. Maybe a standard limit isn't all that far of a journey from what I see with people stretching themselves?
Last night was fun, but sad evening where dad just rambled on for the previous 10 hours. Usually, there is a thread of a theme with his rambling through the night, but last night, he came to a place where everything out of his mouth made sense to only him and his mind. Even when he was asking for things, it turned out he didn't need to go to the bathroom. Then when he didn't say anything, surprise! My brother is giving me professional nursing tricks to deal with it all.
"so basically you are dealing with a small child and have to cover up quick?"
"exactly. that's is about where dad is right now with his functions."
while all this makes me sad, I have to admit being able to walk out this journey with him has been really amazing with the silver lining moments as well as showing how far off-kilter many people are with their idea of life and the "norm" of it – and what issues come forth when something is different and changes.
Me? I guess I have gone beyond so many limits in life that where I am today is looking back at the world and wanting the simple and useful life – yet – when I see the world, there is so much manure being thrown around, like the BS with numbers, you can say anything.
That bs is like listening to my dad last night as he rambled on with his incoherent thoughts from a brain shutting down from the lack of oxygen. I can give his mind a pass with the nonsense.
I can't do that when people are spewing numbers that are just not real, yet, if people weren't in the business, they would not see the bs.
As for dad, he is suffering. While the drugs have him comfortable, I don't wish this end on anyone. The human body is smarter than I think we want to believe or lead it on to be. There is a lot more going on beneath the surface layer and facades we like to put upon everything.
What can I say, I like depth. I also don't think you will ever create any sustainable long term solutions by treating the symptoms. While the later it is a great way to commodify a solution to the symptoms, you will never actually find a solution to the actual problem. There are a lot of forces in the world that don't really want those solutions, as it would cut into their cash cow milk.
While this process is a slow, tiring, and grinding path for my dad to pass from here with death. It is incredible how much I am learning through it all, while painful, it is good stuff.
I just need to get back with people that share a similar view that life is a perpetual growing experience, not a small box you live inside of.