The human brain and the idea of a concept thought, or belief is pretty amazing in what and how it processes information. And idea or notion is easily discussed. Thoughts might get more blowback, based on the peoples in the discussions ability to see beyond their own perspective. A belief is usually so strong that no amount of logic, reason, or facts will change someone.
think of when you have run up to someone that says, "das ist richtig!"
Forgive me for making a joke about the swiss German. But I have run into more blowback discussing concepts, ideas, and beliefs outside the major cities in that country than even old eastern European cities. "This is right" or "This is the only way!" is a cultural issue. It doesn't mean either culture is right or wrong, it does mean that both see the same thing differently.
Now bring that back to the people you know in life. Odds are you have surrounded yourself with people similar to your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. If someone is different, the usual course of people is to distance or ostracize them from their worlds. The internet in the past 30 years is a classic text bookcase where you had the early adaptors realizing what the tool could do for communication, and the reality of monetization or the polar opposites is better for business than making a better overall balanced planet.
I remember Ethan Zuckerman giving a talk about how it is straightforward for like-minded people to find each other on the internet, and how difficult it is for different views and perspectives to enter into the fray. It is a bit like what is happening in the MIT media lab. I was surprised Ethan resigned, and now joi ito stepped down, as it appears "image" is more important than the "reality" of what really goes on behind the closed doors and Smokey backroom deals of power, money, and greed.
Perhaps that is what bothers me the most with the religious, political, military, monetary, and any other power base. The people that have it get used to it and the trappings that come with it. Just look at the NFL and the players we put on pedestals these days. Their life and the perks of it are vastly different than a guy just working out a living.
"With great power comes great responsibility" was a quote I didn't truly understand till about 20 years ago. The cycle today is you are seeing very young people with great power and money, who perhaps haven't aged enough with the reality of life. When you get that kind of wealth and power, I wager the vast majority of people will be affected by it in an unhealthy way, get used to it, and make a habit out of it. Not for selfless uses, but selfish ones.
Sorry that I digressed, as what I am really trying to write about is very personal and watching a man die, or trying to die, and his spouse either unwillingly, or unknowingly holding that process back. Wanting to have your loved one around forever is a beautiful thing, yet, the reality is the man is now suffering, and the sleep apnea cough upon waking is horrific. It is merely a result of what happens when someone stops breathing for 40 to 70 seconds and then inhales.
So for now, you have the physically healthy partner seeming to hold back the one that has lived his time here on earth. He has verbalized and two weeks ago said, "I am done. I just want to go." yet, for the past 2 ½ months, there was time to allow for an easing of letting go in a most beautiful way to happen. Right now, all that is at a standstill of sorts, waiting for the unhealthy element of selfishness to be worked out.
I just never thought I would have to hear a man cough in pain so much to send a clearer signal to another.
Before anyone reads this and thinks it is some judgmental typing. This is what I am observing. The data sets with dads cycle of apnea and his yo-yo confirm it. I am not a medical doctor, but I do see things from a slightly different perspective, and that is good, but only if you have others in the room that understand it is not a cut or criticism, but looking behind all the doors that our human fears seem to want to be kept in the dark.
I get being scared of the unknown. It is a bit like looking at yourself and getting real. It is terrifying at first, but over time, when you get beyond your emotions, fears, or like the news expounding a single-car crash, "it is a car crash that could possibly be a terrorist attack" that does nothing but bait or prime more fears.
If you look at most fears, and still yourself (something that is what we are working on with controlled environments), you will see yourself looking at a giant shadow on the wall that is trying to scare you and project the fear of what might happen. If you turn your head to the light that is projecting the shadow, you will see a tiny element in front of that light that is projecting the giant shadow. When you know what it really is, mainly your fears and emotions, it is straightforward to remove them, change your habits and beliefs, and be open to listening and hearing other perspectives and ideas.
What it boils down to is, do you want to change? Or do you want to live in your habits of fear?
And yes, I type this and know full well that my mom is probably not going to change. The first step is you have to admit, "maybe I have some issues to work on and realize you will grow from walking through that pain instead of masking it, or medicating it and living in denial.
Until then. I wager dad will hang on, as he doesn't want to bother or hinder others – yet, he needs the help. He also needs to feel he can let go, and that will not happen if another's energy is mucking up space.
It's all a wave. We have the choice of what energy we wish to put out. You don't have to go down with the ship because of another's dysfunction and issues. You can stand, support and help – just be there for others, but the moment you allow another to suck you into their dysfunction – you are probably going to get a tainted view of love that is skewed more toward selfish, than selfless.
Sometimes you have to open your hands and let things go. That is also love. it just doesn't make sense in a world where holding on with iron fists to control and possess is somehow misconstrued as love
OK. That is my ramble. Dad is moaning. I have tried to explain sleep apnea to mom and what is happening in dad, the timing and cycles….his four-day yo-yo of good and evil, when we might plan for rougher than more comfortable nights, and that it is the best guess based on his data. but she tells the nurse, "oh, this just started."
"no, ma'am this has been happening for four weeks. It is not something new. forgive mom, as I don't know how to help her realize that this is really happening."
When adding to it dads psychosis episode at night. I am amazed I am sane living in a fascinating, but a bizarre twilight zone of sorts.
The positive uptake have been many Amazing beautiful moments I was able to see, be part of, and witness. I am watching a man pretty much calling his shots on how he wanted to pass. I am told this is rare. And the missing pieces to the woo woo room, before people get really sick, are being aligned.
for someone that thinks growth requires no work or pain - I think they call that delusion.