One of the doctors visited dad yesterday and asked everyone how they were. I think I replied, “I am trying to do open mind design work, while everything around me is closed mind thinking.” he smiled, “That can be a bit difficult.”
Basically, with the lack of sleep and the amount of energy it takes to care for a sick person, I get these moments of thought with designs and the solutions, but getting them out of my mind and onto paper is a bit challenging. Perhaps this is where I see a lot of the world just chasing obligations with their time and forgetting what a priority is?
My father has been given a great gift in that he is going out in a way that is really interesting to watch. He got to say goodbye to all, and he is working out whatever issues he has with the creator before he leaves this planet. My mom is doing about as well as one would be expected for losing someone that has been by her side for over 60 years. It is merely the end stages of the cycle of life. There is great beauty in it, but right now I am too tired to think, much less write about it.
I want to write down all the questions that have come out, “why am I still here? Why am I in the space of limbo? why did everything stop?”
What my dad was talking about is a few times, we were ready for him to pass on with this life, and unlike cancer patients that have a euphoric rush near the end. I don’t think the same thing happens with congenital heart failure patients. I can easily be wrong, but there were a few times when we were expecting dad to pass, and an hour later you are looking at a man full of energy and wanting to eat some food. It is indeed a mystery to watch
what does all this have to do with life? Whenever dad passes,
sorry, dad was shaking his head, and mom was scratching his back, he was trying to figure it out, and I am like, “dad are you ok if you don’t figure it all out? are you ok with ambiguity?”
The human mind is a fascinating thing. The science, psychology, and spirituality of it all boggle my mind. Getting to watch it all play out, just reinforces why I am no longer in the world of manipulating human emotions with entertainment.
It appears the rest of my life will be about bringing simple reality to …
well, we got dad brushed, shaved and expunged what seems to be a gaseous blob in his bowels. it was cute,
“How about you shave, pops?”
“I don’t know. I am thinking about it.”
“If you shave, then mom might give you a kiss. I don’t know if she likes scruffy.”
Dad started shaving and even took extra time combing his hair. it was comical to watch his “technique” for his hairstyling his “pompadour.” I guess he likes it his way.
Now, mom and dad are both out back, sleeping. I will try to grasp the thoughts that I have during the last week and remember them, get them into a sketchbook, and turn them into some exciting reality for people.
It is funny that we went from entertainment to orphans, to old folks. I have to go now and brainstorm some ideas and names. later