The past two days had not been good for dad. He is doing what he can, getting up, walking a bit. We got him on his porch, and he enjoyed the cooler air of what appears to be an earlier fall. I am watching the squirrels gathering nuts for the winter. I don't know how to describe dad, as I tis only old age shutting down his body parts. The questions he has asked are mind-blowing, and it has been a great gift to watch this all wind-down. While death is uncomfortable, I don't know why we as humans fear death so much?
What I am witnessing with death is the weaknesses of everyone who wants to live in a box and try to control life, simply crumble around them while they hold onto whatever vestige or piece they can. it reminds me of my friends whose apartment building burned in Saudi Arabia, and the locals were fighting over the shards of burnt and broken material goods as if to say, "look, I have something!"
I am not sure why the reason for me getting to watch what is quite common – the passing of one's parents. What I do realize is unique is that dad is getting to play out, say goodbye, and almost go out of here on his own terms. That part is a bit rare. Even the social worker that comes with hospice mentioned it to him.
While I would love to take away any pain and discomfort in dad, there is great beauty in it. What is so neat is having him, me, and his grandson here to sit at his table and try to find answers to his deep questions, but with three different generations and mindsets and perspectives.
I have no idea how long this will take, and I have to say thanks for a few people I have some loose end work to finish that are really lovely humans and not demanding self-absorbed customers. The charcuterie and woo woo rooms are all I really am working on here as life is a series of naps, toilet runs and making dad as comfortable as possible. In some respects, while the physical side is not so demanding, the day is a lot like being on the road. Work, and if you get some nap time, take it – repeat.
The unique part is that most of my life, I was chasing dreams on the road all over the planet. Today I am blessed to just sit here with my dad and enjoy whatever time is remaining.
I do have to do some physical fitness and meditation – not so much for dealing with my dad, but a few others that are in denial/anger/bargaining/depression and not accepted yet. All I can do there is control my own actions and emotions and try not to get sucked into that pile of merde.
What? Merde? Yeah, we all have it. I guess what is impressive is how few think they do.
Time for more coffee.