There is a lot of funny things you can see in the realm of death. Usually, we are taught to be solemn with morbidity, no joking, be super serious- we don’t take a moment to enjoy the genuinely laughable moments that present themselves each day. I call it lunacy at times as you have to look at yourself and process the request of someone that isn’t doing all that well in illness. Watching someone slowly decay is terrible. Actually going through the pain is worse, of which, you probably don’t really remember much. Last night was such a night
Dad is like a yo-yo anymore. He is good or not. The middle of the road doesn’t exist all that much. I guess it is like that when you are merely struggling to survive, and then for brief periods you get some rest, and the body has a chance to try to recharge a little from the lack of sleep over several weeks.
Last night was bad. So I said I would sleep out in the back with dad. “yes, I would like that.” night is the worst for him as he seems to forget how to breathe and his mind goes off in areas no one understands but him. And for whatever reason, the horrific cough starts that has him troubled with getting any sleep. I swear it is the fear of death coming at him. I am watching this about 10 years ago when he had his open-heart surgery, and the man did not go to sleep for one week.
My conclusion was they must have stopped his heart when they said they weren’t’, as that was the last idea of “why?” he was afraid to sleep. It turns out after the fact that yes, they indeed did stop his heart.
The human body is truly amazing as even though we don’t consciously remember it, but I swear our minds take in all the data in our surroundings and process it in some way. I think his body remembers him technically dying that day, and when he got out of the hospital, I felt so bad for him as he would simply not let go, and sleep…it was 10 days of no sleep. I can still see his head bobbing up and down, but there was a wall to get sleep
the same thing is happening again.
Remember that plan where I was going to get on a schedule and work in my circadian rhythms? Well, I did get up at 5:30am, but I think I got three hours of sleep. Tomorrow night, I would love to read the psalms over deacon peet’s coffin as his wish was to have his body in church for the night. The sign-up sheet was bare, and if I have to read for 8 hours, I am happy to do it.
But I digress. This is how all my “plans” have gone lately – it isn’t that they don’t happen, it is merely an elongation of time for them. I figured out the problem with space with the truck of high-grade insulation for the controlled rooms in church yesterday – now I need space…I am rambling.
So last night…I was tired. I made a no salt dish with venison loin and then did a grilled onion/mushroom/roasted pepper/garlic/wine/herb topping that I forgot what exactly I did to make something so delicious. I doubt I can replicate it, but that was a keeper with the grilled corn, baked potato and fresh off the vine salad.
wow, look at me ramble…sorry.
so poor dad is not doing well, mom looks like a train has run over her from the last several weeks and I say, “ok pops, I will stay with you.” he smiled and said thank you
What I didn’t expect was that I would be up every hour, on the hour with requests about temperature, volume level, some coke, and then my favorite was “one slice of toast, with butter, and strawberry jelly…and make sure you use a paper plate!”
That was the last one I remember as about 3am my mother is smacking me on the couch and telling me to go sleep downstairs. I was out of it, really don’t remember, all I knew was I had to get up at 5:30 am to get some of the extra insulation in the garbage. I don’t remember going to sleep.
this morning, I guess at 1, or 2 am, my father walked into their bedroom and asked my mom if he could sleep with her because “mark is snoring and I can’t sleep!”
I had to start laughing, as this was the man that hasn’t sleep much in week blaming me for why he could not sleep, that has kept us up for weeks.
It was a touching bit of irony to bring some humor into dad getting ready to go into the hospital today. He needs to get rid of some water, and there is only one way to do that with a drug they can administer through an IV.
It has been fascinating watching the end approaching for the aging and elderly. It is painful watching it, yet, there is a strange grace, for now, all I am supposed to do is help with whatever can be done to help bring some comfort. It is really that simple.
Nothing more, nothing less. But I confess it is really much easier when you are rested. Perhaps all this is for the woo woo rooms, as I have done a lot of self-testing on myself with sleep and sleep deprivation – maybe that is why I am worried about society as a whole in the USA. We aren’t taking care of ourselves. Instead, a lot of the country is merely medicating in some way to numb the pain of reality.
I guess the reality I am watching today is life is short, most of what we think is important really isn’t, and if we look beyond ourselves and our perspective, you can see how goofy each of our views is, no one has it all, but when you pull back and look at the cosmos – you realize man isn’t all that special and his time on the planet is short and limited.
All one has is the faith that there is more after this. There might not be, but no one has come back to tell us except one that I have read about.
what I do know is that skunkworks is the way to go in a land where scale and specialization are creating a coming robot world with AI that will give people lots of time to use to learn new things – yet – I wager it will be like the movie wall-e where people just consume and watch.
Hopefully, we don’t export that idea to the rest of the world. Consume, watch, get more significant and unhealthier, and think a pill will solve the problem.
So it will be a bit quiet for a few days and/or I will be sitting over a coffin praying away for deacon peet. Then I do remember the WIFI is kick ass in the hospital, maybe I work a bit from there. Who knows. All I know is I need more sleep, there is a lot of ideas and plans, and it all means not much of anything. it is day by day right now
But it is nice to have dreams and hope. What would the world be like if we lost that?
yeah, pretty lame, huh?
Guess hospital food it is for a bit. weee!
as for the picture. this is Joanna Connors keyboard player. there is something wonderful about the sound of a Hammond organ and leslie amplifier. it is even better when you see a man “playing” live. I guess it is a picture that looks from the outside of a man sleeping. the reality is that the man got lost a bit, closed his eyes, and “played” beautiful music. that is why I love the blues…while the songs are similar, it really si very diverse at how each person sounds playing it.