A few weeks ago, I landed back in my old hometown to visit the folks when I met up with an old comedy promoter and my Thursday evening ritual of taking photos and watching and learning about comedy began. On the first evening, the MC went on a ramble about the local minor league affiliate baseball team having changing their name. The MC went off on a ramble that I thought was simply a made up bit of comedy. It turns out he was simply reporting the news and we all thought it was was hilarious, sad, funny and/or a bit of all. It made me want to start a write in campaign for “binghamton depression" (as homage to what this town is known for with quality of life).
Here is the best the new ownership could do with coming up with a new name for the New York Mets AA farm club. Here are the potential names people can vote upon, just stick the town name of Binghamton in front of every word and verbalize the energetic and exotic new name ideas:
Bullheads! A fish that has the ability to thrive in dirty, low oxygen, brackish, turbid water – basically a scavenger that thrives the more crap it gets to eat. We go out at night on a boat and fish for them, figure out a way NOT to get stung, and then bread them and pan fry them and eat the crap and say, “wow, this tastes great!”
Gobblers! – THere are wild turkeys in the area, but unless wild turkey bourbon whiskey company throws a lot of sponsorship money into the name, all I can see is the mascot running around the field and people shooting at him to win an actual turkey for thanksgiving during the 7th inning stretch. What do you do? have a turkey call giveaway night where the stadium sounds like an army of Turkeys with annoying clacks and gaggles?
Rocking horses! – uhm..ahh…when you think of American Baseball…stealing bases, home runs, fastballs….do you have some image of someone on a rocking horses, just staying in one spot, holding a bat like an armored knight of yesteryear as if a jousting match was about to break out? ..Uhm…ahh….never mind...of all the names, this one really sounds the most dynamic and energizing of them all.
Rumble Ponies- I have heard of war horse, the four horsemen, and other cool sounding names using horses, but “Rumble Ponies” sounds like a bunch of little girls ingesting far too much sugar laden sweet and caffeinated drinks while playing with their pink and festive, rainbow colored “my little pony” dolls. Imagine a player being beaned by an opposing teams pitcher, having the dugout clear and the players start slapping the other team while looking truly dazzling in their Technicolor uniforms. Perhaps they can add sequins to the uniforms for extra bling? Why not force each player to run around the field with little wings as part of their uniform? At least little girls would come to the game, you could have an actual pony around and give the kids rides. If you duct tape a unicorn horn on it, you get the “deluxe” magic ride!
Timber jockeys - who knew in the forests around the city, men would chop down trees and then proceed to sit upon them, like horse jockeys and pretend to race, beating the inanimate log to go faster. There used to be a bunch of carousels in the town, but where "timber jockey" come from? Was management thinking the players would take wooden bats and pretend to ride around like witches on brooms, or the old school toy horse head attached to the broomstick? The one idea that actually is logical would be if Binghamton set out to be an all-gay baseball team and call them the timber jockeys. At least then I could at least implore rod serling and go, “oh, ok…the team nickname “timber jockeys” sort of makes sense no, even if I don’t want to mentally ever go to there watching grown men riding baseball bats and whipping themselves like a horse jockey to make their timber "go faster"
And the final one
Stud muffins: yes, this is an actual term, usually used in the context of mocking a man that thinks he is hot and sexy in his own mind. Perhaps a sponsorship deal can be arranged between the local grocery store bakery, a lumberyard selling 2x4 studs, and some metro-sexual hip lumber beard-grooming salon? I really have no idea. “Welcome to the ballpark, where the Binghamton stud muffins will have a strip off during the 7th inning stretch, race around the bases while riding bats and play the rest of the game in their jock straps!” Why not just install giant baseball bat stripper poles around the ballpark too?
Cha ching…who cares about baseball and the game? This new nickname would bring the female demographic and the homosexual market out to the ballpark in droves. Heck, you can even do a twofer and work the timber jockey dance routine into the players stripping down.
After typing out this post brainstorm email…I can see how such ridiculous names were brought out to have the community vote upon them, and since this was rod serlings hometown…there must be a twilight zone energy in the water supply for grown humans to think the aforementioned names are good ideas for a baseball team name.
I vote for the letter “B” for the logo and use “Binghamton” as the team name. Just a big “B” on the jerseys, caps…people might get confused and think the Brooklyn dodgers came back east. It even makes sense for a minor league team. With gentrification of Brooklyn, those that get pushed out appear to be heading to Binghamton for affordable living.
At least with that name, you have a moniker that means something and wont have everyone confused if the players are playing with each other’s bat and balls. The term “play ball” will simply refer, as it should, to the game of baseball.
You think I am making this up don’t you? Like when i thought the comedian was making up his bit while hosting a show? I'm not...tis depressing no? "Introducing the Binghamton Depression" masters of psychic warfare and gloom.